Change of Pace

Let's just preface the whole thing... I just watched a sappy movie and those who know me can tell you that I cry at commercials. That being said I have had this feeling for a while now about the person I am. I used to keep a blog where I put a lot of things out there and I'm still trying to figure out if that's something I want in the world. If my most vivid and unfiltered happenings and feelings were something I should be afraid to let others see. I love the Ugly Shoe Diaries, and though I've been more than shitty about updating it - not that the idea hasn't struck me, I'm thinking of a change of pace. So I'll start another blog. I don't know where it will go but at this moment things need to be said, questions need to be asked and I want to start here.

Welcome to my Random Rants Ramblings & Revelries. I'm wordy so beware but who knows, my insight might just strike you and if it does, that's enough for me!

So back to the fact that I was watching a sappy movie. I do it all the time because quite simply put I like that I'm emotional. I'm not that vapid idiot you encounter day to day who only shows emotions through text quality phrases like OMG! So as I was approaching the full on snot dripping cry towards the end of "P.S I love You" I realized something. Too many people fear their own feelings. I enjoy that at points in my day the excitement overwhelms me so much that my skin tingles. I love that there are moments when I'm so deep inside my own head that I forget to care about the less than desirable moments in life. I like that there are moments so touching that my insides swell and I want to cry. Above all I am thrilled that anger gets me so deep in the pit of my soul that I shake and spout words faster than your average New Yorker.

Watching this movie I realized I am a host of the characters through their emotions. I am Holly not knowing what to do with the pain of loss. I am Jerry for I've loved another person so deeply. I am Daniel tired of being a shoulder to cry on but loving the feeling of need that another person has for you. I am Patricia hating to see someone they love not seeing the forest for the trees and knowing there is nothing you can do but be the sage voice of reason. I am Holly's friends & sister for being that clown when the moment calls, the bitch when they've gone too far and the constant in a world that spins too fast.

Then it hit me. Why do people fear their own emotions. Why is it so hard to be who you are and share what you feel to the people who should take you as you are or leave you in the wind. Is it the fear that they will not? I don't understand why I don't understand. I've watched a lot of people I love and analyzed myself to no end and I can't come to any definitive conclusions. I have married friends who after years still look at each other in wonder of how they could possibly love someone so much every day. I have married friends who after years look at each other and wonder why they still bother. I have single friends who dwell on the fact that they've not found real love. I have "dating" friends who don't know whats up from down. Then I have friends who are lost all in the middle and then there is me.

I'm single and I'm not angry about it. I long for love but refuse to settle. I know what I want and don't think it's entirely too unreasonable because my relationship goals are as realistic as anyone else's - I want to be happy. Question is this? How do we make ourselves just be happy as we are? How do I make people realize that I'm not a leper for wanting to retain being who I am while in a relationship and have the same go for the other person? Why can't people just understand that if you can't stand being alone with yourself what makes you think someone else is going to want to do it? Love is not a status update people, it's real life. It's quality over quantity and it's supposed to be something that grows. It's not fleeting and it's never the same, everyone is different and the way they love, who they love and why they love them will be as different as we are.

I know, I ask a lot of questions, and really I ask a lot of people. But sometimes it gets old being the one that gets the phone call at 3 in the morning because a relationship that's been doomed for months has gone south and the caller just doesn't know where to start. Maybe I should look into talk radio and get paid to give advice. I'm not a doctor but I know people and most of this is simple. If all you do is yell when you're with someone you can't possibly love them. If all you do is wonder what the other person is doing wrong they can't possibly love you. If all you do is think of why you're with that person... nothing is right in the situation. But why the fear of letting it go? Just as you throw out the garbage and comb a garden over for weeds we should do this with our lives. If you have to let go, you have to let go... it'll hurt, but the impression was made times have changed and you still have to get out of bed in the morning so muster your courage to know what you feel; feel it and go on.

I'm a romantic I'll grant you that and I've held on longer to people than I ever should but this mantra still should stand "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds" It is not a guessing game, you know it when you have it and should learn to nurture it within oneself as well as in a relationship.

Wake up world! Walk tall, love hard and be yourself. You'll love yourself for it, and understand others better because of it.